The sun has shined here the last two days, funny because my heart is cloudy with a chance of rain. I made myself go out, sit in a lawn chair, in my driveway, soaking up the warmth, closing my eyes, making myself remember what this feels like. Cold is coming, cold days will chill me down deep to my bones, down deep to my soul.
My eyes flutter shut in the heat and I hear the plane fly over my head. I sort of wish I was on it, to anywhere, Wales or Ireland or Norway or maybe just a tiny town in Southern Indiana to hold the hand of someone I love.
We never know for certain when our last breath will be, I think today does not hold my last breath. I believe I won’t take my last breath today or tomorrow or the day after, but I wonder if she is taking her last breath as I breathe in, breathe out, while the sun shines on my face as I lift it toward Heaven.
I wonder what my neighbors think as I sit in my driveway facing my patio. I wonder, but I don’t care what they think. I gave up caring what the neighbors think when my neighbor Kim died, a life time ago.
I stare at my house and wish I was staring at a tiny little lake in Southern Indiana. I wish it was 11 years ago, July 3 or 4 when most everything was still right with the world. If I could go back just once more, to hug, and kiss, and laugh with all of them, that soon would be no more.
I love the smell of dirt, not mud, just good old black dirt and mustiness, to hear the slap of the old screen door, just once more, to sit outside in an old metal lawn chair, outside in the heaviness of the summer night, not the sunshine of this day leading to Fall.
I wish I could go back just once more and hug you all a little tighter, to make your essence, your souls, seep into my skin, to let me feel you near me, to remember how your body feels in my arms, to feel you breathe in, breathe out and wish I could be there to hold your hand.