Originally posted at Blogger in August 2012

Exactly one month ago it hit me and hit me hard in the middle of my chest, where my heart resides, this Thursday, August 2nd, one year ago, my mom passed through the gate away from me and all who loved, love her.

An entire year, 365 days, of which some went by agonizingly slow as I mourned for her presence. The Nano second thought to call her, to tell her something, anything, just to tell her what was going on in my life and to hear her voice.

We’ve celebrated without her standing with us, but the thought of her was always so close as we celebrated and didn’t celebrate, Christmas, New Years, St. Patrick’s day, her birthday, Mother’s Day…..

She was easy to draw into the festivities I planned. I missed her so much at my Midsummer’s Eve and wonder what she would have worn. Would she have asked for my help to get a costume ready? Would she have come as a beautiful purple butterfly?

I can’t say what has been the hardest day to get through without her; there have been many hard days, one just as hard as the other. Yet I have had many days with laughter and joy this year as well. I have tried hard not to wallow, but sometimes I need a good cry and to just be “allowed” to mourn without comments to make me “feel better”. I really don’t need to hear she’s in a better place, I know this, I really don’t need to hear she’s still with me, I know this too. I am allowed to miss her and still cry for my loss, my brother’s loss, my father’s loss and my children’s loss. Words of comfort don’t always need to be given. Sometimes a hug eases the anguish of the heart breaking into thousands of pieces of grief.

How do I “mark” this day? Memories of those days last year fill me, yet I hope they will stop consuming me. Those were the hard days. Watching and waiting and saying the first of the goodbye.

I requested the day off from work and was asked if I wanted to make up the hours. “No”, I said, “I’ll be lucky to get through what I have to get through.” I believe I will spend the day outside with my youngest son and let his thoughts be my thoughts and let the beauty of nature fill me and take the sorrow from my heart. I want to spend the day being grateful for the mother who at times infuriated me, who at times laughed with me. We didn’t always have an easy relationship, but in the end I said goodbye to a woman who loved me despite what she saw as my flaws and I loved her back, despite what I saw as her flaws.

August 2nd love someone who needs to be loved, hold someone tight and with all of your being.  Kiss someone on the cheek with tenderness, hold a baby and make them smile, marvel at something so small you have to get down on your hands and knees to view it or something so large it makes you swoon, or dance, dance even if someone is watching! Mark this day with me. Do something besides sitting on your duff and feeling sorry or sad about where you think you are in this life. Make a memory this day and then be brave and tell me and the world what you did to make a difference in YOUR life on August 2nd, 2012.

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About jlturtlerunner

12 plus Years Surviving Stage IV Oral Cancer. I have become a "Turtle" runner since that diagnosis, as a way of saying, "Take That Sucker!" After 12 years of being a Turtle Runner, I'm adding a new title, Turtle Rucker!

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