Originally posted at Blogger on October 28, 2011 – after the suicide of an old friend, it was too soon after watching my mother die and a death that should not have happened.

I came to the realization; I cannot hug someone long enough or hard enough to erase all the pain of the images, hers, or mine. But I tried so hard, so very, very hard.

Last night was the longest and hardest I have ever held so tight to anyone, just hoping she would stop hurting, that I would stop hurting for her, stop hurting for myself. Knowing the horrible images I hold having watched my mother die pale in comparison to the images locked within her, locked within so many others who have witnessed death like this.

Last night I could not escape the sorrow of any of it. Stepping out and into the darkness, letting it engulf me, because the touch of someone could not erase the pain. The pain wallowed in so many other layers, too many layers of loss.

There were and are no words. They simply well up more anger, more sorrow, more pain, and agony. All I could and can do is keep holding tight, say nothing and pray. Pray someday the images will be hazy and the memories of life will be bold, for her and for me. Each and every day forcing myself to step out of the engulfing darkness and just step into the gray, hoping it will someday lead both of us, all of us, back.Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from JL The Turtle is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to JL The Turtle and The Accidental Thoughts of a Turtle with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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About jlturtlerunner

12 plus Years Surviving Stage IV Oral Cancer. I have become a "Turtle" runner since that diagnosis, as a way of saying, "Take That Sucker!" After 12 years of being a Turtle Runner, I'm adding a new title, Turtle Rucker!

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