Originally posted at Blogger in August 2011 – My Mom left us just over a year ago. I still miss her, but the memories from the day she died have faded. For that I am grateful.

I’ve been thinking about how God started pushing me a couple of days before Mom died. I knew her time was limited, but I would not, for anything, have thought it would be that Tuesday. Dad and I sat at the kitchen table that morning agreeing we probably had a few more weeks. I see now God pushing me out the door on Sunday to go and get my Grandma for her own goodbye. No one told me it was time to tell her. Yet I was forceful and Halie was nice, guess we were playing good cop, bad cop. I never was any good at walking on eggshells. I think it’s what Grandma needed from me though, as much as she needed Halie to be soft. Mom never told her she was dying. Grandma didn’t have all the time I did to say goodbye.

I think about God pushing without me realizing yet again when I decided not to go to work, even when I thought I had weeks to say goodbye. So many little pushes, urged along to write her Memorial card that morning, with just enough interruption to get it out of my heart and on to the paper. I would never have had the time after she left.

God pushed softly again when I made the decision to cancel my Doctor’s appointment, delaying even longer finding out my good news among all this heavy sadness. I know now how many people were waiting for my results, but kept quiet. Keeping that appointment would have kept me from being at my Mom’s side when she died.

She had to go. God held my hand and guided me, as I know he guided others in how their day’s events would play out. It was heart wrenching, but I would be there all over again to hold her hand and tell her it was okay to go. The time she chose to leave us was her own timing, I am convinced of that. She had reasons to leave when she did, the day after my Dad’s birthday. Some were meant to be there and some she protected from those minutes. I pray someday the images of those last 15 minutes will one day soften. I am grateful not all of us have that memory to erase. Pushing, pushing, God is pushing. My heart will soon mend surrounded by friends, my Dad, my brother and my children. We will continue to remember all the laughs and headaches we shared with Mom. We loved her. Thanks Mom for being who you were and thank you God for pushing.

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About jlturtlerunner

12 plus Years Surviving Stage IV Oral Cancer. I have become a "Turtle" runner since that diagnosis, as a way of saying, "Take That Sucker!" After 12 years of being a Turtle Runner, I'm adding a new title, Turtle Rucker!

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